Things That I've Learned Since Moving Out Of Larkhall

Well, I moved out in September, so Christmas seems as sensible a time to look back on moving out as any.

Features general moving comments, specific nonsense, and the usual vitriol.

What have I learned?

1. People from small towns who don't move generally suck

I'm not saying everyone does, but for every person who can't quite move out yet, for one reason or another, there's a local boring bastard, who thinks that the whole world revolves around their little shitpile of an area, or a group of people, who only go to three places to socialise. Thrillers, so they are. Oh Emm Gee did you see that x is pumpin' y ... and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

2. Don't skimp on meat.

Cheap meat sucks arse. It's that simple. Buy on back packaging percentages.

3. Alan's, The Ranch, Palace... ?

Seriously, save up all your wages, get a dart, a map, and a discovery ticket.

Throw the dart at the map, and travel there. I bet £50 that it's less shit than anywhere in Larkhall, or Hamilton. Hell. You might actually break the mould and *gasp* talk to someone new... :|

4. I Saw An Ex Teacher On... Is Dull

HAhahahhahahahahhahah ITS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!!!!1111!!1!1!!1

What age are you? Fucking 19? Good grief. These people have lives as well.

5. If you don't appreciate a good pasta...

You will when you move out, you sponging bastard.

6. Y'know when you think you're loaded and splash out?

You aren't. You still live with mum and dad, and I would bet £20 that you don't even pay rent. That's not loaded. That's just insecure.

God.

I have hundreds. If you want to leave a comment, I'll caustically reply.

If not,

I don't give a rat's arse.

Stupidity

Right. I work in TK MAXX. It's a good job, decent money, fair hours, good people WORKING there. I complain, but it's a good 'un.

Except the customers. Every day, I'm treated to a few absolute wallopers. As such, allow me to take you a trip through my psyche, as I detail how I wish I could reply to the idiocy which I'm forced to deal with in a patient manner. Apologies for the strong language. This may get violent.

Q - Do you sell women's clothes?

(NB - I am holding a floor length floral dress, and a bra. Not wearing, holding. Oh, and I'm in women's knitwear.)

A- No ma'm, I'm afraid you have us mixed up with another establishment. This is TK MAXX, home of the fucking whopper. :|

Q - Discount. It is broken. I cannot fix. Discount? *thrusts jumper in face, and speaks rapid Spanish*

(NB - This is an Armani knitwear, down to 3 quid, because of a hole in the sleeve, at the wrist.)

A - No. You can't get a discount. You can get a fucking life, and stop hassling me for the sake of ten bob. Infact, do you know what? I'll buy the damn thing, set fire to it, piss on the ashes, and then give you it for free.

Q - Do you have these leggings in a size 28?

A - Can an instore janitor please come to ladieswear, with a mop, bucket, dettol, and preferably, a god-damned treadmill?

Q - Hawyoudyehinkthiswidlookgidoanmaboayfriendjimmy?

(NB - Excuse me, do you believe that this would increase the appeal of my good male friend, James?)

A - I have no idea.

• Firstly, in order to provide a useful answer; Is the gentleman in question also a greasy quasi-humanoid, who wears a shellsuit, and baseball cap indoors, can barely speak English, and furthermore, has the pallor of a jaundiced tangerine?
• Secondly, is he Wee Jimmy, Big Jimmy, Fat Jimmy, Speccy Jimmy, Jimmy mahn, or some other species which I haven't heard of?
• Thirdly, that's a scarf. For fuck's sake.

Q - If you were dating me, and I got you this for your Christmas, would you be happy? We've been going out for a month.

A - No, you're a shit girlfriend, buying a 250 quid leather jacket. ARE YOU A FUCKING LUNATIC?!?

Q - Do you have this kettle in pink?

A - No, you despicable, tastless old cow. I bet you have pictures of cats on the wall. I fucking... bet you do.

Q - Here mate, you must know all the words to the songs on in here, aye?

A - A small piece of my soul just died, sir. I applaud your question, but I hope your Ipod spontaneously combusts, and roasts your bollocks off.

Q - Would I be able to buy shoes here?

A - Yes, if you traverse the labyrinth, fight the minotaur, kill the hydra, solve a rubiks cube, kill a golem, develop a cure for cancer, and complete a tour of the world in 25 days.

Or, turn 180 degrees, walk a foot, pick up a pair, go to the check out and hand over money. NO!! Not magic coins. Money.

Q - Do you work in here?

A - ****** *** *** ** ** * ******* **** **** ** **** ** ** ** ** ******* *** ** *** * ** ******* *** ***** ****** **** **** **** ********* ******** ** ** ** * ******** ** * ** ******* **** ** YOU!!!

HADOUKEN!!!!!!!

Learning. Just some points.

Thing's I'd say to 15 year old Niain.

1) Don't trust fat people
2) Ginger people aren't necessarily evil.
3) If, at 18, you point out that 15 is too young, it sticks.
4) Not having internet is painful.
5) New friends crush old enemies.
6) If you don't think of people frequently, they don't matter.
7) Learn a lot about medicine.
8) Chill out, learn at your pace, and it'll work.
9) The part time people always employ the stupid first.
10) He may infuriate you, but he infuriates everyone.
11) Spread out and speak to many.
12) If you distrust, you will wind up right, most times.
13) Get drunk, relax, rethink, and I guarantee... It'll all look better when you come back to it.
14) One may be hard work, one may be bizarre, and one may be deadly serious, but they'll always be the guys.
15) If you're a good guy, there'll be more "guy's". Male or Female.

The Expendables

Yesterday I went to see a film.

It was called The Expendables.

It starred Sly, the Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, explosions and 9.4 million bullets.

It was absolutely fucking awesome.

I had high hopes going in, wanting a big, stupid action film, in the vein of Commando, Universal Soldier, Die Hard, or Rambo, yet being fully aware that Hollywood shuns these popcorn action flicks in favour of slick CGI effects, and expecting disappointment.

It blew my damn mind apart.

The storyline in an alliterative sentence;

Murderous mercenaries massacre multiple enemies, on a mission to save... some woman.

The characters are simple. Sly is a pistol expert, Stath is a knife expert, Li is a kung fu expert, Crews is a rifle expert, Couture is a brawl expert, Lundgren is an all round expert, and Mickey Rourke provides info, motivation, and is unbelievably, distractingly ugly.

There are some spectacular scenes in there, including the Statham and Sly destroying an entire pier with some oil, a fight between Sly and Stone Cold, featuring the most ridiculous running tackle seen since '87, and the destruction of a "choppaaaaah" by Terry Crews and Sly (who appears to be able to slaughter everything in a mile radius with his pistols.

However, the standout character in this film is Terry Crews' nuclear warhead firing assault rifle thing. I was in hysterics when it was unleashed, and every time after. If, when the camera pans to the "up corridor view", you don't laugh, you are broken inside. Its that simple.

The final 30 minutes of this film have roughly 50 seconds of dialogue. Unless you include the screams.

There were a couple of problems. A truly awful cgi blood effect and an even worse fire effect. This was bizarre, considering that the 900 or so kills involving fire and blood, other than these two incidents, were stupendous. Just two silly mistakes. In a film this good, I can take that.

Its so damn good, its knocked Commando, a film I wanted it to EMULATE, out of my top 5 films of all time.

I've heard a lot about Inception, and yes, I do want to see it, but when I saw this, the first thing that popped into my head was imagining Sly saying;

"Gruuhh hngghhh hrruuuugh ggggrruuugh ffggiiinnguuuurgh"

Translated to;

"Fuck Inception. This movie is the dog's bollocks."

And you know what, he's right.

It was fucking awesome.

Ranting

Just a small, opinionated, and random collection of things that I honestly do not give a grounded, floating, sinking, dancing or indeed flying fuck about. I'm guilty of doing similar to a good few of these, so its just a wee rant, aimed at no-one. Honestly. :D.

1) What any named celebrity is eating or drinking this week. Or anything about them really. Cheryl Cole can mime her way through performances or catch malaria all she likes, but I honestly do not need to know.

2) JLS, or the contestants of any reality "talent" show ever to have been shat into existence.

3) Any DJ, with the exceptions of ones who bring a live band (Prodigy), or have a stunning light show (Chemical Brothers).

4) N-Dubs. "Being N-Dubz" - subjected myself to a mighty 4 minutes of this drivel. Or Scouting for Girls... enough said.

5) Whether it's fake tan or foundation. If anyone has mentioned it, in any capacity, you look like a fucking rotting orange, pal.

6) How you look in 950 different mirror/at arms length photographs.

7) Twilight. Just piss off and enjoy it. I don't like it, fair enough that some do, but fucking wrap the "Team Edward or Team Jacob" shite.

8) Your religion. Really, keep it, it may help you :). But keep it out of my face.

9) Headsocks and the like. Been covered before.

10) What health drive you're on, or any insecurities about your appearance. If you've got problems, sort them quietly. I could run off a list of things I'm doing to lose the pork. But I don't. Life moves on, without your every notification that you had a fucking salad sandwich. Besides, people applaud you more if you just get on with it :)

11) Pets. Lovely things to have about. No-one cares about yours though, except you.

12) Lee Nelson. You may have noticed that I have issues with him.

13) What you are doing with "the gurrrrllllsss" or "the laaaadssss!!!", if it includes pub, bar, club, shop, or holiday to any of - "Maga" "Reef" Ibiza or Zante. If you're going bungee jumping, or to somewhere mental, let us know, thats cool. But we get the point that its a Saturday, and its club night.

14) Any facebook attention seeking status, such as "people are such bastards sometimes" or "I wish I could just get away". Unless you state what this is in aid of, we wont ask, as we do not care!!

Anyhoo. Thats all. Next blog should be more entertaining. Look upon this as a time wasting effort. Lazy, yes, but the wait makes the next good one better.

T in the Park 2010 Review.

Overview

Over the course of this review, I intend to give my impression of each of the bands I saw, and some general thoughts about my fifth T in the Paaaaaaaark. (obligatory aaaaaaa).

Overall it was a fantastic weekend, without pills, with plenty thrills, and one bellyache that nearly ruined a weekend!!

I'm missing out the quotes, which are a crucial part of every years T, but to see a selection of the "MADNESS!! Some call it MADNESS!", head on over to the Aud blog where Audrey will soon compose a veritable compendium of the nonsense spoken, screamed, sang, or mumbled incoherently in an alcohol fuelled haze.

So, to break it up, a section on Bands, and then a section of my fabtastic T in the Paaaaark (told you) Awards. The Bands section is a bit more factual, but the awards are largely mince, so may amuse you more. :)

Bands

Friday

3Oh!3 - Not a band I would usually have chosen to see, but played their songs competently enough, and with some chants of "Here we, here we, here we fucking go", got the crowd going suitably mental. Best song - No idea. Couldn't name one. :

Editors - Typically standout set by Editors, with some great singalongs for their main big hits, and a fantastic "Bullets" Best song - An End Has A Start.

Faithless - Had the crowd jumping up and down like mad, shame that most of the surrounding people were arseholes!! Best song - Insomnia, easily.

Muse - Cracking headline set from the supermassive trio. Cranked out all the hits you could expect, a blinding light show, and more facemelting solos than a stick could be shaken at. Best song - Knights of Cydonia, for the build-up to the solo, and then the ripping solo itself.

Saturday

The Proclaimers - As you'd expect, they were indifferent, bar from the hits, which had the crowd singing along merrily. Best song - Sunshine on Leith, as Fraser went mental.

Vampire Weekend - Very good performance, shame about the rain. If ever there was a sunshine band... Best song - Oxford Comma.

We Are Scientists - Songs from first album were excellent, the rest... less so, and a bit too much pointless feedback. Great banter though. Best Song - Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt.

Stereophonics - Typical rocking performance, shame it was ruined for Audrey and I by the wankers around us. Especially the massive mudfighters. Scumbags. Best Song - Bartender And The Thief, as it happened before all the dickery. :

Prodigy - Let the crowd my faith in T in the Park after Stereophonics. Played a bouncing, furious set, that had Maxim's "Scottish fucking Warriors fucking having a BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE". Audrey and I were further back, and they still nearly blew our faces off. Best Song - Omen, although Take Me To The Hospital deserves mention for actually, literally, blowing Audrey's toilet door open.

Sunday

The Stranglers - Excellent set from the 'veteran' band of T in the Park this year! Played everything you'd want, and the icing on the cake was the Best Song - A cover of the Kinks' All of the Day and All of the Night.

At this point, there was a dead zone for Fraser, Audrey and I, and we went to get mangled. Lewis, Jen, and Andrew, meanwhile, went to see the View and such.

Biffy Clyro - Excellent show, largely played stuff off the two recent albums, which suited me perfectly. Best song - Bubbles.

4 Jay Z songs - We went for the amusement value. "uh huh yeah, uh yeah uh huh", really is all there was to say. If you have ever heard Jay Z, you'll know why. If you haven't, don't. Best song - Empire State of Mind, for the part where he shut up.

Madness! - Absolutely, totally and utterly fucking awesome. Loved every minute. Audrey, Fraser, Helen and I had a big bit of space to the left of the stage, in the second row, which we turned into a dancefloor. They were so good, even I felt compelled to dance my way through the ENTIRE SET. EVERY... SINGLE... SONG!!! Truly incredible, and the full, huge, crowd, sang and danced like true nutty boys and girls right the way through. Not one misfired song. Best Song - Can't pick one. Honestly.

FABTASTIC T IN THE PAAAAAAAARK (see, there it is again) AWARDS!!

Band of the weekend - Madness. You probably guessed that

Honourable mention - Prodigy. I heard the thunder.


Quote of the weekend - Anything from the three hours of Hugh Grant speech.

Honourable mention - "Andrex is like wiping your bum with a puppy" - Lewis Marshall.


Moment of the weekend - Dancing to the full Madness set, with Audrey, Fraser, and Helen.

Honourable mention - When Jen triumphantly reappeared on the Sunday.


Gutter of the weekend - Jen having to go home and miss Saturday due to the aforementioned bellyache.

Dishonourable mention - All of the knobheads at Stereophonics.


Tent of the Weekend - Frasers and mine. Which flooded. And then blew away :

Honourable mention - The tent which was fully zipped up bar for the mans head, with a straw and a strongbow.


Obvious game of the weekend - "How do they get those trees to look as realistic?" - Me

"Wait...Are they not real?" - Andrew J. Hamilton


Almost boxing at the weekend - "GINGER" - Random Lassie

"FAT COW!!!" - Audrey H. Gillies

Cocktail of the weekend - A pint of Jeremy - 1 part vodka, 1 part woo woo, 1 part apple finny micks, 2 parts strongbow, and 2 parts cold tomato soup. And yes, I drank it all.

Honourable mention - A pint of mischief - Lewis Marshall's creation. Very obscure.


Andrew being drunk moment of the weekend - "Red bull lock in!!! DISCODISCODISCO!!!"

Honourable mention - "I thought that's really out of character. Then I realised I was drunk"


Food of the weekend - Buffalo burgers, with bacon and cheese. Or with sausage and cheese, when the bacon ran out.

Honourable mention - Anything from the toastie wagon. My choice being a bacon and mozzarella.


Only at T in the Park moment - "I'm planning my bands around shitting" - Lewis Marshall

Honourable mention - The consumption of 85 cans of Strongbow, 3 litres of vodka, 1 litre of rum, 1.5 litres of whisky, 2 litres of woo woo, 3 bottles of Finny Mick, 2 wee Jager bottles, and 20 pints of various alcohol in the arena - by Me, Fraser, Lewis, Andrew, a barely drinking Audrey, and an only drinking one night Jen!

Thanks to

Audrey Gillies, Andrew J. Hamilton, Fraser Shaw, Lewis "I'm Scottish" Marshall, and Jen*nifer* O'Neil, for a truly cracking weekend of banter and music. :)

Couldn't have drunk it without you guys ;)