Things That I've Learned Since Moving Out Of Larkhall

Well, I moved out in September, so Christmas seems as sensible a time to look back on moving out as any.

Features general moving comments, specific nonsense, and the usual vitriol.

What have I learned?

1. People from small towns who don't move generally suck

I'm not saying everyone does, but for every person who can't quite move out yet, for one reason or another, there's a local boring bastard, who thinks that the whole world revolves around their little shitpile of an area, or a group of people, who only go to three places to socialise. Thrillers, so they are. Oh Emm Gee did you see that x is pumpin' y ... and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

2. Don't skimp on meat.

Cheap meat sucks arse. It's that simple. Buy on back packaging percentages.

3. Alan's, The Ranch, Palace... ?

Seriously, save up all your wages, get a dart, a map, and a discovery ticket.

Throw the dart at the map, and travel there. I bet £50 that it's less shit than anywhere in Larkhall, or Hamilton. Hell. You might actually break the mould and *gasp* talk to someone new... :|

4. I Saw An Ex Teacher On... Is Dull

HAhahahhahahahahhahah ITS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!!!!1111!!1!1!!1

What age are you? Fucking 19? Good grief. These people have lives as well.

5. If you don't appreciate a good pasta...

You will when you move out, you sponging bastard.

6. Y'know when you think you're loaded and splash out?

You aren't. You still live with mum and dad, and I would bet £20 that you don't even pay rent. That's not loaded. That's just insecure.

God.

I have hundreds. If you want to leave a comment, I'll caustically reply.

If not,

I don't give a rat's arse.

Stupidity

Right. I work in TK MAXX. It's a good job, decent money, fair hours, good people WORKING there. I complain, but it's a good 'un.

Except the customers. Every day, I'm treated to a few absolute wallopers. As such, allow me to take you a trip through my psyche, as I detail how I wish I could reply to the idiocy which I'm forced to deal with in a patient manner. Apologies for the strong language. This may get violent.

Q - Do you sell women's clothes?

(NB - I am holding a floor length floral dress, and a bra. Not wearing, holding. Oh, and I'm in women's knitwear.)

A- No ma'm, I'm afraid you have us mixed up with another establishment. This is TK MAXX, home of the fucking whopper. :|

Q - Discount. It is broken. I cannot fix. Discount? *thrusts jumper in face, and speaks rapid Spanish*

(NB - This is an Armani knitwear, down to 3 quid, because of a hole in the sleeve, at the wrist.)

A - No. You can't get a discount. You can get a fucking life, and stop hassling me for the sake of ten bob. Infact, do you know what? I'll buy the damn thing, set fire to it, piss on the ashes, and then give you it for free.

Q - Do you have these leggings in a size 28?

A - Can an instore janitor please come to ladieswear, with a mop, bucket, dettol, and preferably, a god-damned treadmill?

Q - Hawyoudyehinkthiswidlookgidoanmaboayfriendjimmy?

(NB - Excuse me, do you believe that this would increase the appeal of my good male friend, James?)

A - I have no idea.

• Firstly, in order to provide a useful answer; Is the gentleman in question also a greasy quasi-humanoid, who wears a shellsuit, and baseball cap indoors, can barely speak English, and furthermore, has the pallor of a jaundiced tangerine?
• Secondly, is he Wee Jimmy, Big Jimmy, Fat Jimmy, Speccy Jimmy, Jimmy mahn, or some other species which I haven't heard of?
• Thirdly, that's a scarf. For fuck's sake.

Q - If you were dating me, and I got you this for your Christmas, would you be happy? We've been going out for a month.

A - No, you're a shit girlfriend, buying a 250 quid leather jacket. ARE YOU A FUCKING LUNATIC?!?

Q - Do you have this kettle in pink?

A - No, you despicable, tastless old cow. I bet you have pictures of cats on the wall. I fucking... bet you do.

Q - Here mate, you must know all the words to the songs on in here, aye?

A - A small piece of my soul just died, sir. I applaud your question, but I hope your Ipod spontaneously combusts, and roasts your bollocks off.

Q - Would I be able to buy shoes here?

A - Yes, if you traverse the labyrinth, fight the minotaur, kill the hydra, solve a rubiks cube, kill a golem, develop a cure for cancer, and complete a tour of the world in 25 days.

Or, turn 180 degrees, walk a foot, pick up a pair, go to the check out and hand over money. NO!! Not magic coins. Money.

Q - Do you work in here?

A - ****** *** *** ** ** * ******* **** **** ** **** ** ** ** ** ******* *** ** *** * ** ******* *** ***** ****** **** **** **** ********* ******** ** ** ** * ******** ** * ** ******* **** ** YOU!!!

HADOUKEN!!!!!!!

Learning. Just some points.

Thing's I'd say to 15 year old Niain.

1) Don't trust fat people
2) Ginger people aren't necessarily evil.
3) If, at 18, you point out that 15 is too young, it sticks.
4) Not having internet is painful.
5) New friends crush old enemies.
6) If you don't think of people frequently, they don't matter.
7) Learn a lot about medicine.
8) Chill out, learn at your pace, and it'll work.
9) The part time people always employ the stupid first.
10) He may infuriate you, but he infuriates everyone.
11) Spread out and speak to many.
12) If you distrust, you will wind up right, most times.
13) Get drunk, relax, rethink, and I guarantee... It'll all look better when you come back to it.
14) One may be hard work, one may be bizarre, and one may be deadly serious, but they'll always be the guys.
15) If you're a good guy, there'll be more "guy's". Male or Female.