Except the customers. Every day, I'm treated to a few absolute wallopers. As such, allow me to take you a trip through my psyche, as I detail how I wish I could reply to the idiocy which I'm forced to deal with in a patient manner. Apologies for the strong language. This may get violent.
Q - Do you sell women's clothes?
(NB - I am holding a floor length floral dress, and a bra. Not wearing, holding. Oh, and I'm in women's knitwear.)
A- No ma'm, I'm afraid you have us mixed up with another establishment. This is TK MAXX, home of the fucking whopper. :|
Q - Discount. It is broken. I cannot fix. Discount? *thrusts jumper in face, and speaks rapid Spanish*
(NB - This is an Armani knitwear, down to 3 quid, because of a hole in the sleeve, at the wrist.)
A - No. You can't get a discount. You can get a fucking life, and stop hassling me for the sake of ten bob. Infact, do you know what? I'll buy the damn thing, set fire to it, piss on the ashes, and then give you it for free.
Q - Do you have these leggings in a size 28?
A - Can an instore janitor please come to ladieswear, with a mop, bucket, dettol, and preferably, a god-damned treadmill?
Q - Hawyoudyehinkthiswidlookgidoanmaboayfriendjimmy?
(NB - Excuse me, do you believe that this would increase the appeal of my good male friend, James?)
A - I have no idea.
- Firstly, in order to provide a useful answer; Is the gentleman in question also a greasy quasi-humanoid, who wears a shellsuit, and baseball cap indoors, can barely speak English, and furthermore, has the pallor of a jaundiced tangerine?
- Secondly, is he Wee Jimmy, Big Jimmy, Fat Jimmy, Speccy Jimmy, Jimmy mahn, or some other species which I haven't heard of?
- Thirdly, that's a scarf. For fuck's sake.
Q - If you were dating me, and I got you this for your Christmas, would you be happy? We've been going out for a month.
A - No, you're a shit girlfriend, buying a 250 quid leather jacket. ARE YOU A FUCKING LUNATIC?!?
Q - Do you have this kettle in pink?
A - No, you despicable, tastless old cow. I bet you have pictures of cats on the wall. I fucking... bet you do.
Q - Here mate, you must know all the words to the songs on in here, aye?
A - A small piece of my soul just died, sir. I applaud your question, but I hope your Ipod spontaneously combusts, and roasts your bollocks off.
Q - Would I be able to buy shoes here?
A - Yes, if you traverse the labyrinth, fight the minotaur, kill the hydra, solve a rubiks cube, kill a golem, develop a cure for cancer, and complete a tour of the world in 25 days.
Or, turn 180 degrees, walk a foot, pick up a pair, go to the check out and hand over money. NO!! Not magic coins. Money.
Q - Do you work in here?
A - ****** *** *** ** ** * ******* **** **** ** **** ** ** ** ** ******* *** ** *** * ** ******* *** ***** ****** **** **** **** ********* ******** ** ** ** * ******** ** * ** ******* **** ** YOU!!!
HADOUKEN!!!!!!!
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